Memory

I remember the party my parents have thrown for my sister after she was born. 

There was so much light and presents and people coming over to wish her the best. It is a tradition for relatives and friends to come over and wish the newborn baby from all of their hearts whatever they feel like wishing.

My aunts, all of them went into the garden and picked up roses and then the ceremony began. It felt like a ritual, like magic flew all around us as the joy of my sister's birth descended upon us.

I remember my little sister in her basin, rose petals all around her and people laughing and looking at her and eating good food. 

I remember how I looked in fascination as water washed over her and those beautiful rose petals touched her tiny little body, her squeals of displeasure and her tiny little hands. 

I remember I realized I loved her before I knew her. I remember her eyes staring straight at me like she could see right through me with the wisdom only newborns carry in their eyes. 

I remember holding her, wet as she was and being scared that such a fragile, wondrous being was being in my arms. 

I remember her touching her tiny fingers to my face and how I felt love flow in waves, like a current connecting us forever and for always. The words seemed to dissapear in silence around me and I felt safe, protected because she was safe, protected in my arms. 

Mantra

I'm not sure what I'm looking for or if I'm actually looking for something at this point. I only know that my soul feels at peace, bathing in solitude, pulling her wings close as if she's hugging herself.

Protecting your soul is like raising walls. A never ending job. And the harder people try to push in, the higher the walls. 

I feel happy when I am alone. Me and myself, we get along. The pleasure of rediscovering yourself is beautiful. There is no sense of mute, heavy solitude hanging above my head.

Only playfulness and joy. Like the spring, I bloom and rejoice in my vulnerability and emotions.

The door is closed. Don't come in.

Memory

I remember one early morning in my childhood when I first went fishing with my father. It was cold, so very cold that my hands were numb and I was shaking. My father put his coat over me to keep me warm and we started fishing.

Well, technically, he started fishing cause I was too small to hold a fishing rod. We stayed in silence for some time. I still recall that deep, soothing silence as I gazed at the almost still water of the Danube, like an endless rhythm washing over me. 

This is the first experience that taught me that in order to connect with someone, no words are necessary. That silence can bind you together stronger than words, the smile on my father's face, the way he touched my cheek with his dirty hand and the way I looked at him like he was my universe.

We always went fishing after that. My mom would join us, but she never liked to fish, so it was always me and my dad. The A team. And though I never excelled at fishing, it is still the only thing that brings me peace. 

Just as it is with people. You either connect with them or you don't, but if you do, don't lose that connection. 

Because it's beautiful and it's rare and, as Dante used to say, it can move the sun and all the other stars. 

Don't

Don't come in. I don't want you to see me. These walls, I built them for a purpose. To keep me away from people.

Don't come in. There is no light in here. Just me and my broken wings, hugging themselves in solitude.

Don't come in, you will see my soul and I don't want that. You will see the never ending tears, and how they look at you in horror and wonder.

Don't come in, I am not ready. I am not ready for you to see the sorrow, and the mess, and how my soul bleeds from the pain and horrors of the world. How I sit on the stone cold floor, defeated and vulnerable, arms spread wide and eyes wet in bewilderment.

Don't come in. Don't get too close to me cause I might hug you. I might love you. My soul, she doesn't deserve that. I deserve no love, I am just wrong, just scared and fighting battles you would not understand.

My walls are there for a reason, and though there are no windows, the cold stones keep me warm and hug me with bruises and seal my wounds in their cold, cold silence.

Don't come in, cause I might laugh and I might be myself and you might see the child that hides under sarcasm, under aloofness, under cinism, protecting herself from emotions and flying away from people with unhealed, bloody wings.

I cannot fly now so don't come in. Let me be. 

Incantation

There's a magic forest where I go each time I fall asleep. The light is dimmed and I'm not scared cause the grass cushions me and makes me fall asleep, whispering lullabies long forgotten in a language I no longer understand.

And there are monsters that try to reach me and try to touch me but the trees hug me with their bent branches, protecting me from every harm, every threat. 

And my woman-child soul laughs and delights in nature and pets the flowers and sings along with the wind. And my naked body is purified in peace and silence and finally I can be myself, I can be free.

There is no fear hear. Only vulnerability and my soul opening its eyes with all the love and kindness that shines brightly on the inside. Like a flame to a moth, this place draws me in and lets me be. 

And I fall asleep like a baby, hugging myself to sleep. The walls fall and I am me, so me that the light of the forest and the light in me dance together in oblivion, whispering that same lullaby, as old as time...

About love and other demons

I loved you. As much as you'd love your arm or your family or the memories of childhood that I like to delight in from time to time. 

I loved you. As much as you love nights out spent with friends, drinking beer and staring at the moon or the time when I first realized I am no longer a child, but a woman, and the realization hit me with wonder.

I loved you. You were my anchor to reality, my reason to put a smile on my face when things were so very wrong, the tiny little hope for a future that never came.

I loved you. As much as I love myself, more than I love myself and more than I ever loved anything else in my life. Including my own life.

I loved you, but I no longer love you and finally I am free. And like a bird that was caged for far too long, I don't know what to do with these wings that rest upon my back in sweet surrender and vulnerability.

My soul will rise like a Phoenix from its ashes and grow strong. I have no love left, maybe just for myself. But it will rise and grow like the plants in the desert, blooming with life under the harshest conditions in the most non fertile soil.

And when a new love will arise, I will love him with all of my being, my wings will hug him and I will finally find my home. My place where I belong, my lucky star. My everything. And I will give myself so completely that there'll be no way to tell where I begin and he ends because we'll be so fused together, like a child with two  souls, keeping each other warm to eternity and back.